uncertain about the certain

This weekend was a rather fulfilling one as I learnt more about myself. At this age, I'm still shocked that there are parts of me that I do not know. 

Yesterday, I went over to jmh for rounds of SGS, something I would never thought I would do, because I told myself "I don't like card games". This proves a point about my character: I hate trying new things, but once I "reluctantly" try and I do like it, I'll like it much. 

I really want to get rid of this behaviour, the fear of something new. Something that may break my routine and what I know, something that will erase my control. I feel that this is something that would affect me in the future, especially my desired job is bound to have many risks taken. I'm too risk averse I guess. 

Afterwards, I had dinner with the couple and Nellis, and they started bombing me with questions. Haha, hilarious questions and yes I answered truthfully. Mostly about my past, what do I see in a guy, scandalous bits and pieces.. Well, we went to Salted Caramel for some ice cream and engaged in a super deep talk (which I super like)!

Anyway, I was asked about my future and I really thought hard. Do I really want to be an economist? As in, I thought I would be useful as an analyst but I guess I would hate numbers. Maybe predicting future economic outlook would seem pretty ok, manageable. Nellis was rather unsure and she ended off with hoping to just get a safe job, something easy, little risks, and live life. This shocked JM, and he went on saying we're still young to fail, and can afford to get back up again. Coming from someone who didn't take the desired track of Singapore education, I believed what he said. But I was still not convinced.

Because our system says a failure is a loser and people fear failing. It is not a nice feeling.

Being a "failure" myself, I still get this inferiority complex when I see my same-aged friends in uni now. Or even looking at my own friends in choir who are younger than me, but same grade. It sucks to feel that way, although I know they might not be any better than me. I am young, one extra year spent studying is no big deal, but why do I feel it is, even till now? It seems that a loser may be someone who did not go through conventional ways of an education path that has been laid out for the majority. Any deviation is an outlier, to be eliminated. 

I was also afraid of making mistakes, and not being the best with many others that are much better than me. Thankfully, the couple assured me that employers would want to find someone who is willing to learn, not a fresh graduate that thinks he know everything he has. Yeah, that makes sense. In this world, there are definitely more than a million people who are much better than me in every aspect, but I've just got to find that special something in me. It's not been found yet, but I will. It might be my passion and my clear directions and goals in life, idk.

Lastly, I made a list of my abilities and I hope to polish them! To better equip me for the future because I'm too damn scared.

1. I'm a fast learner

2. I'm hardworking. I see through things that I may or not like and makes sure I get it all right.

3. I'm straightforward (good and bad)

4. I'm vocal, not afraid of crowds, confident.

The Bad:

1. FEAR

2. Not able to put my thoughts into words exactly

3. Impatient/ Judgemental

4. Don't have something that I'm exceptionally good at (including language), maybe just undiscovered for now.

Put your angpow money into a washing machine and it will turn into a circular flow of income.

Today would be sort of a down and then an up day.

Went kc to coach and, I'm embarrassed. Made soooooo many mistakes and couldn't play the piano well. Most embarrassing thing is I called someone's name wrongly, and played a song in the wrong key.

Argh times like these I doubt if I was a good SL. In terms of technicality, piano playing, rhythm and learning notes. I can't sight read for nuts, and I'm bad at reading rhythm. Perhaps I demonstrate better than I teach.

Putting that aside, the ups of my day was meeting with the OA level potatoes excluding Amos. They went cycling and I met them for lunch after. We talked about many things under the sun, including potential partners and books. I told them I read to become someone that speaks after thought and sound intellectual! Haha. So, I told them about the book I'm currently hooked, Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman.

This book is actually a mixture of psychology and economics, and a church friend of mine used it as a material for his uni module. I'm like, YES, I LIKE IT, I'm going to SMU for sure. (ORLY)

To summarize, the whole book is about proving how humans often rely on intuition to make claims and it can be wrong at times, but goes to explain why we rely on intuition. I guess it is a book that zooms in to how the mind works, in layman terms.

I agree that this is a very very cheeem book, but definetely worthy of your time. Even though I understood only half, but I learnt bits and pieces there. Yay. Shall give you an example.

Kahneman wants to examine how we are fooled by our system 1, that is, automatic system, which is also our intuition, by this question.

How many pairs of animals did Moses take into the ark?



None. It was Noah who did it.

Lo and behold. If you got it wrong, just know that most people did. I did too. The book uses many psychological experiments to demonstrate this conflict that you have just faced.

Okay I have to admit this is only the tip of the iceberg, and I have not explained well. Most probably this is a little to cheem and "up-there" for me, but at least I learnt something and after 2 long months, I'm halfway there! Hiphiphurray.


Dinner time, looks at directory
Bertram: Eh we go Four Leaves la, sounds very nice.