Exclusivity

You start feeling excluded when you feel excluded.

You never thought about exclusivity until you feel excluded, yeah?

Social media encourages it. Whatsapp lets you to create groups of maximum 50 people (that's ALOT). It has eroded the use of SMSes, because you'll probably get instant replies, and it allows like an online meeting. Twitter may even be worse. You get to see replies from whom to whom, and be able to read their conversation without the need to stalk. It sucks when some conversations gets too long and annoying, or when you want to join in the fun. You're in but without. It's like being in a crowd but feeling lonely.

I used to be really defensive and find myself excluded in things that I thought I should take part in. I insist they are wrong, or I feel bad about myself. Maybe I took the friendship too seriously, or maybe they took me lightly. Either way, it's quite sad to feel excluded. Recently, I had the same feeling again but there was light; am I the one who excluded myself? This is a good question to ask.

I admit that I'm impatient, judgmental, with my head up on a cloud. There's a lot of things that annoy me and I disagree with my friends almost all the time, thinking that I'm always the better individual. Perhaps this was the turn-off. People who like to hang around you because you make them feel good about themselves. This is my problem. I feel too good about myself instead of the other way round in the group. I search for opportunities to share about my achievements, my perfect life outside the clique, while I pay less details to the things they say. I'm aware of my problem, but I've tried rather hard, and with no outcome. I am still disinterested at times. With that said, friends, I am not a good friend. I will try harder. 

Maybe it's just me. I'm not good at expressing myself, especially love. It's hard for me to tell my friends ILY when some of them are quite generous with it. I just can't. Maybe I excluded myself because we are on a different page. Maybe, the feeling of exclusivity arises from jealousy. When you envy the people within a group, it shows the desire to be part of that group.

However, I will not be upset if exclusivity was resulted due to a difference in values and beliefs. I will stand firm for what I believe is right in the word of the Lord. That cannot change. I am starting to feel the pricks of this as I grow older and have more friends from different origins. I will still continue to love my friends, and respect for what they believe in, because it's their life. Similarly, it's mine and I will have to take charge of it, guarding what I have to guard. I can sense that it's gonna be a tough path especially when I'm gonna step into SMU but I'll FIGHT. Hopefully I get courage la.. Following/being like Jesus is a piece of cake. Said no one ever.

Okay, disclaimer here. I think I'm guilty of excluding people too. And I think it's not just once or twice. I might have hurt people and I sincerely apologise to whoever feels this way, even though I may never find out who. Well, I guess it's like Newton's third law, you get excluded, you exclude people. At least this is for me.

I promise I'll post a happy one next time. Getting too emo *cues Chinese songs

(And oh man, I'm getting too nerdy.)

Just like you

Perhaps twas was an emo, sian day.


I spend all the free time today pondering about my life, my promise to God, my promise to myself. To become a Christ-like person.

Firstly, I face the struggle of double standards. I often judge my friends for judging the rest, I judge my friends for doing things that I'm not fond of, not realising I'm actually pointing 3 fingers back at myself. Sometimes I wonder why I judge people so much, especially close friends of mine. Maybe, it is the long periods of time spent together that has allowed me to pick on such minute details. And sometimes, I do face this stupid issue to thinking I'm better off than everyone else. Pfft, dumb.

2, no matter how much I want to change and be different in Christ-like way, I can't!! Which may go to show that this character I want to achieve still does not come from the heart. I've always prayed for God to help me to be like Jesus, and when people see me, they see God. I'm sure many Christians made that prayer at least once in their lifetime, but it's so hard for me to achieve it! I truly want my friends to see that I'm different because I have God, but no different as a friend.

3, I struggle with the fear of labelling. Many stigmatize us as "holy", going to church and tweeting about God is extremely spiritual and beyond the realms of this physical world thing. It's like reaching Nirvana, or too "up there". I dislike this description. I know, I trust that God made us out to be different kinds of people, the fun ones, quiet ones, enthusiastic ones.. It's boring if everyone else is the same. Therefore, it is silly to infer that "holy" Christians cannot be fun. Come to think of it, I really dislike the usage of "holy" here. We can never be holy, in a sense. I confess I can never be, because of so much sin in me. Thankfully, God has sent Jesus as a sacrifice and we are all dead to sin. Yay!! It is because I am weak and that's why I need God. Anyway, back to my point, I often find it difficult to strike a balance, because of the constant need to impress my friends through entertainment, media, but never thinking of bringing God into the picture, for fear of the label.


You know, at least I'm glad that I'm aware of what I have to work on. Imagine my blind spot is the failure to see my blind spots.. Anyhow, these changes can never be achieved alone. I pray that God will shape and mould me through experiences, obstacles, and make me the beautiful woman that he had in mind. But I am just like you, imperfect. Imperfect, but will be made (a little) more perfect through God's grace.