If I gain nothing, will I still serve?

Hi friends! I've just completed a module of LDP for the last 2 days. And I woke up at 7am for the last two days. Round of applause.

For those who don't know, LDP is in short for "Leadership Development Programme", which is an initiative led by my church leaders to develop and groom the next generation of leaders (which is me!) to lead cell groups, or even something bigger. There are a total of 11 of us and most of them are my peers, like people I'm really close to. So we all grow together! I just wanted to pen it down to document this rather significant process of my life, and I can look back here in the future to be amazed at my speed of growth. And of course to critique my own writing..

(On a side note, I realise my post is filled with optimism. I don't know why I am so happy.)

A series of talk was planned for us, which includes our youth pastor, pastor elvis dad yong, and some important leaders in our church, that were ex-youths. Not to bore you with the details, the talks generally spoke about RCC's growth and cell history, and what were their roles in this growth. Some of these leaders shared about their personal experiences which I find guilty, because the "great" things that they did were when they were around 18. I'm turning 20 and I've done nothing! :O The horror.

After many talks, I found it meaningful to my growth as a Christian, and also as a potential leader. Right now,  I realised many things have to be done before stepping up and serving the youth. As I reflect, I am shocked to find myself in a situation where I asked myself, "why did I want to be a leader?" I can definitely answer that I want to serve, but what is the core of my serving? Who do I want to serve? What/who do I want to influence? Sadly, I do not have these answers yet. I believe this will be a journey for me to embark from now on.

Thankfully, after this module, I find myself getting more interested in joining the youth ministry as a leader, to use my influence and impact the lives of the next generation. It may the 2nd, 3rd generation Christians that are oblivious or numbed to the Word already. I am excited in how God will use me. As I've always heard people say to me, "要为主大大地梦想", the time has come. I hope in another year or even month's time, I will be able to find a vision and a core of my leadership in RYM.

If I gain nothing, will I still serve?
I don't know initially. But now, yes. Because I owe my life to Him. He pulled me out of the valley and I can never accomplish any of these without Him. I'm now just giving back. (I've enjoyed God's grace, so all sufferings long zhong come! hahahaha, ref to book of James.)

Don't give up!

I would say that I just had the most fulfilling sermon this year. Alright, maybe this was the one I paid my full attention to..

In short, it was mainly about acting out as a Christian. The takeaway for me was not to be a "NATO" (No Action Talk Only) Christian, which is very commonly preached. However, the pastor took on a different approach, or at least if felt different to me. 

After 2012 where the storm and the sea the shells has already passed, I start to feel a little dull in my spiritual life. There was nothing to look forward to, or nothing in danger to change. It was a calm day at the beach. I'm constantly reading His word, but I wonder if I truly, sincerely, eagerly wanting to, or it was just out of obligation. Today, thank God, the sermon put me back on track. The pastor was identifying groups of people, and I fell into the category of "Christian for a long time but not actively obeying His commands because we choose the easy things to do." Long list of descriptions. Then, he added, that by loving God more, we would me more willing to obey His commands ACTIVELY. (Chinese expresses better, 积极). I never really thought of that, but it's true. But you know, I'm quite a NATO and lazy person, so the word ACTIVE does not describe me at all. I love doing easy things, sometimes, I choose the easy way out.

Nonetheless, I was touched during prayer when the pastor said, "Don't give up." This is exactly what I need! When I try so hard to connect back to God, my mind always drifts off since the other side looks more interesting. I'm soooooo guilty of this but it's soooooo hard to change. I really wanted to give up at some point, but today refreshed me! I'm so glad. 

(Okay my thought process is breaking down soon so pardon the sentence flow)

Anyway, I attended my granduncle's funeral today. Can I tell you how much I dislike attending funerals? It's so solemn and depressing, you have to think twice before you smile. However, as a Christian, we understand that death is just a process, and death would also mean eternal life when Jesus comes again! How exciting! Of course, it is natural of us to mourn, just as apostle Paul said, but I really can't stand the depressing mood all over. It does not help when my granduncle's immediate family are non-believers (my granduncle is, a very cool one I think), and there were a lot of crying during the wake.

I've heard testimonies about him, and I am indeed touched by his perseverance in his faith. During the cremation, the thought of him not being able to meet his family in heaven struck me so hard, I started to tear. It suddenly dawned upon me that I carry the responsibility of sharing the gospel to my fellow Yongs. I am very sure my granduncle would love and hope for his children, grandchildren, to enjoy the sweetness of God's love, to meet them once again up there. Who wouldn't want the best for their child? I think this is the only thing I could have done for him, to repay his kindness showered on my dad after my grandfather passed on.. To be honest, I'm as scared and unwilling as hell. But hell is not a nice place to go. I really need God's strength to help complete this "mission" He has placed me in. It's not gonna be easy, it's not something in my comfort zone, but I MUST try.

Other than that, I'm also troubled by my university admissions. Having excellent results offers another set of good problems- What to choose. It's my choice and because I'll probably gain admission to any course I apply. Not boasting! 

Who am I

Last Friday assured my decision in Year One: To repeat or not.

I'm glad I did, and the results is also why I did. I obtained 4 distinctions with a B for GP. Unbelievable..

GP is the surprising one. Although I secretly wished that to ace it, my mind told me to be realistic. I did an almost philosophical question, a question that only the bishan and bukit timah JCs will do. "Is humour ever serious?" Seriously, I wrote that. After the paper, I told my friends about my attempt and their jaws just.. dropped. That made me feel so awful and I swear I would never want to see those expressions again. It made me doubt myself.

Buttttt, THANK GOD! People may think that it's luck, but no, it's God. I would never achieved such grades without his grace. There was a chance for me to go up on stage and collect my results from the principal. What honour, and a dream come true. This proves that nothing is impossible, and for those teachers who look down on retainees, IN YOUR FACE. Hahaha.

Nonetheless, I especially miss the times studying in the library, coming up with weird theories for entertainment with friends, trying to stay awake while mugging yadayada.. It was the process of long mugging hours that cultivated my perseverance, my independence and so on. While people will label me as "the retainee with 4 As", that is not something I want to be remembered for. That's sad actually. I want to be known as a friend who has helped her peers to study and achieve something more, a friend that motivated many to dream big, and a friend that encouraged many during the tough preparations. This means so much more to me.

I remember asking God in Year 1.5 to grant me good grades to glorify Him. How? By helping my classmates when they ask for help. Be patient and help them out in my stronger subjects. Be a friend they can turn to if they have any questions. Did I do it? Yes, I did, but I thought I could have done better. I'm an impatient person, and I do admit that I was annoyed by the influx of questions(at times only!) asked during my mugging time. I thought the time answering questions could be used for my OWN revision. How selfish yeah. But I learn, and I grow. While I thank God for my results, this is a chance for me to learn and grow to become better and selfless, to become more like Jesus.

Lastly, being on the honour roll does not change who I am. If I'm the girl struggling with sin, I am. If I am the christian that does not do qt, I am. Having distinctions will not score a special place in heaven above. I need to deal with whatever problems I have, no escape. I continue to pray that God will be help me to overcome the bad habits in my life.

Right now, I'm facing a good problem: choosing my primary degree. (I know many people would want to bash me!) I still love econs, but I have serious doubt on my ability to handle the mathematics. I am definitely torn between economics and sociology! However, I should stop walking in front of God. Let Him take the lead.

Meanwhile, I shall enjoy the 5 months left of an academic respite.