Small changes

I have just realised that Canada changed me in small little ways I couldn't have imagined.

Be it habitual, spiritual or just general outlook in life, I guess it has turned for the better.

I find myself having a greater thirst for knowledge. I am increasingly satisfied by the inflow of knowledge. Lessons become less of a chore but more of an opportunity. Projects however, remain a burden.

I find myself taking things in stride. Go with the flow. I am less 'kan chiong' about projects, meetings, or school work. My theory is that quality will not increase with extra quantity. There will be some point in time where quality plateaus even after extra quantity (time). It's like economics - diminishing marginal returns. So why spend extra time improving nothing, when it could be more well spent! (Okay la but in the end I have more idle time and I'm constantly finding things to do)

I find myself adapting to new habits. Discipline is the word. A great example would be removing my contact lenses before I shower. Previously I really didn't care, even though it's detrimental. So I change! It was pretty difficult at first but discipline really matters. These small little changes extends to greater long-term impact.

I find myself eating healthy. I should probably get awarded by HPB please! So instead of dapaoing oily caifan, I pack my lunch to school at least twice a week. That's impressive okay! Cooking your own food means less salt and oil, though for the live-to-eat people you'll probably grumble at this. But think of all the weight you can lose. NOW is probably the peak of my slimming career. Being healthy (and slim!) really feels good. Don't get me wrong, I believe one should eat healthy despite having slimming goals. I'm still working on that as I try to regain my appetite.

I find myself... a different person. I can't pinpoint exactly what has changed about me, but I do feel different. Perhaps to some I've become a slacker person, someone you wouldn't want to group with (LOL). But perhaps I've become less rigid in my thoughts, or in the way I do things.

So, thanks Canada. You've transformed the way I live my life. YOLO

Ugly skinny

Besides taking my heart away, Canada took my appetite as well.

I have been eating less and less since I'm back here in Singapore. It might probably be the stress and depression.

I did not have my favourite Bak Chor Mee since I'm back. I don't even crave for it. Food looks unappealing to me. There is no desire to eat, and I hate the feeling of feeling bloated.

Perhaps I am used to food over there, which is basically my plain, bland cooking. Which is true! I would rather cook my own lunch than dapao oily caifan to class. Which reminds me, I have not visited Food Republic across the street.

My calorie scale is output > input right now. I visited the gym yesterday and ran 4km. Did some core and squats. My fat-burning meter is very high, but the energy I take is very minimal. My friend says I have to stop running, else I become ugly skinny. Either that, I have to eat more! This is the first time someone tells me to stop slimming down (ok la, got shiok a bit). But it's true, my face really slimmed down since USA.

I know I gotta eat more but it's really hard (omg I can't believe I'm saying this)! Most of my pants have become really loose and looks unfitting on me, though I look awesome in dresses, hehe. Skinny feels good, but retching at the sight of food sometimes sucks. Fingers crossed that this is just temporal.

blues

After so long I'm still back at square one.

Every week it's an attack on my heart. I thought I got it done and over with but every damn thing just points me back to my memories. Familiar walkways, places, things. Gosh.

Only you yourself will understand your pain. No one else can. Especially at this age where experiences differ between individuals. Adolescent problems usually include friendship or parent-child relationship. Somehow these are common things that people go through. No one can understand what I'm going through now because it just isn't simple. And also, you are expected to be able to deal with it on your own. Everyone got their own issues to settle, much less settle yours.

The worse part is not being able to show what I'm feeling deep down inside. Smiling and laughing is my best defence. I am tricking myself into thinking that everything is fine. I am happy. No one likes to be around someone who's gloomy, so I try my best to be joyful around my friends. Honestly, being around friends helps with my sorrow but I slump back deeper once I'm alone.

I am impatient. I want things to be ok once sunrise. It doesn't help when God places me in a situation where I have to face my pain every.single.week. I kept questioning God about that. Maybe he knows I'm avoiding it this whole time. Maybe this way I'll be in a better condition once over. Whatever the reason, I constantly replay God's promises in my head just to get by a little. There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. You make all things work together for our good. I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.

A baby step is still a step. One day I'll get to the end of the tunnel, although with pain and tears. But I will get there.

Priscilla.


P.S. Feeling the same pain exactly 2 years ago. Has it been that long?