I didn't know I'll actually feel sad.

I really miss singing.

Just thought about how different it would be if I haven't got elected. And when I see how some of my peers are going to have so much fun, so much opportunities to grow, I'm just jealous.

I chose what I chose today because I'm so damn tired already. And I think it's not fair for the club to nurture me, who is going to quit after the end of the year. I rather give others who are going to stay more opportunities to do many more things.

I really miss the times where I had the opportunity to sing for concerts, performances, and even went Italy for competition. I remember how fun, enriching and life-changing they were and they thought of not being able to do these again just pains me.

Then I was reminded - it's the same between choosing God and the world. What I mean by 'the world' here is - many friends, having a life, various opportunities, interests, hobbies, results. I believe it's not absolute and there's a balance. The fact that I won't be singing as much as compared to the rest makes me really envious, but I have to deal with it. I believe God placed me in this situation, this position as a mentor for a reason to bless other people. It's like a 'calling'. By obeying this calling I am forgoing many many things that people would say 'life experiences'. It's damn heart-wrenching to see others getting all the fun and experience. The fact that I can't tell anyone about this makes me so :'(((((

 But I told God that ultimately I'll choose Him. This is just the beginning. I'll be forced to make tougher choices in the future and I really have to know what's right.

:(

got me thinking

Patron's Day is over!! It's such a burden since the beginning of time, even though the bulk of the work was during the last 2 weeks. Oh gosh, how I hate admin.

I wouldn't want to go through the torture again, even though the feeling on show day itself was pretty awesome. But NO, no more sending out tons of email and replying them, chasing people and getting chased for information. It has been a tiring week.

The show team actually invited an alumni Ong Eng Teck (https://www.facebook.com/EtOngEngTeckwangRongDe), who is now in the top 7 position in Taiwan's singing competition, Super Idol. He graduated in 2012 with a degree of accountancy, but went on to pursue music. His speaking voice was very gentle and he was a super nice guy. He was very polite and humble. This was something I could feel even if I did not engage in a 1-1 conversation. I had the privilege to sit at campus green and heard his interview. 

He mentioned that singing was something that he has always wanted to do since young, and after winning a competition in uni, he decided that it was something he wanted to pursue after graduation. So he got his degree, flew off to Taiwan with only 5000 SGD, and took part in Super Idol. I mean like, don't people from SOA want to earn big bucks in audit firms? Why did he chose to pursue something that takes effort, time, but may yield unrewarding results? I was curious, because I thought all SMU students came here for the money (EXCEPT SOCI STUDENTS OH YEAH YEAH) and they loved to get out of school as possible. 

Turns out that E.T. have plans. He knows he has something to back on (his degree), and he could always find a job anytime. He gave himself 2 years to explore, experience, before he would settle for a job. And I thought that was very brave, and non-conforming. (I just love sociology, don't I?) He knew what he wanted and set a timeline to achieve those goals and this got me thinking. What are my dreams?

I... am the jack of all trades, master of none.

I don't think I have a dream, after deeper thoughts. I've wanted to sing, but I know my limitations. I am confident of myself, but this confidence won't take me far. I lack the skills, as compared to the rest. It kinda saddens me to think that after 4 years and obtaining a degree, I'm just gonna follow the crowd, work, slog my guts out, and probably get a job at the CBD area. AND I DONT WANNA CONFORM.

Anyway, forget about my dreams. I'll figure it out. Another quality that Eng Teck possess inspired me was his humbleness. While he agrees that getting a degree is still very important, he emphasized the need to stay humble, because there will be someone better than you. I think in all, the fact that he took somewhat a 'road less traveled' really inspired me, but I'm not sure if I could do the same, as much as I hope to.

1 Corinthians 7:32

Happy New Year!

I'm honestly not very excited for 2014 initially, but after talking to various people and after praying, I think it will be exciting from summer onwards!

Y1S2 starts tmr, and I am definitely not ready for it. Come to think of it, I will never be ready la. Sem time will be very hectic and gone in a flash, so I must really ponder about what I want to achieve and what are my priorities.

(It's sort of like a new year's resolution? I know people don't believe in it, but I do)
1. Pray for Holy Spirit's presence, everyday
2. FINISH THE BIBLE
3. I must do my best in commitments outside church, as if I'm serving the Lord
4. Bring my cell members out at least 3 times!
5. Read 10 books
6. Errrrrr, try to exercise
7. No relationships

Okay I must elaborate on point 2. It's been in my list for the 3rd consecutive year and I'm quite ashamed to still put it there. But I'm almost there!! About 12 books more which I believe I can finish within Jan/Feb! I'm dragging this way too long.

I was telling bff about how my resolutions seem to revolve around God. She agreed and said she does so too. I wanted to do something for myself, but it seems trivial as compared to the rest of  my resolutions. My life belongs to God and it feels selfish if all I thought about are my own needs. Of course, I believe we should all love ourselves and there is a need to do what we enjoy, but I feel that it is not of utmost importance. I guess when we give our time and effort to God, the enjoyment part will naturally come. It may not be a reward from God, but rather the joy of the Lord. This is the fruits of my effort and is the thing that sustains me (: And that is enough.

When I wrote out point 7, part of me was struggling and making it black-and-white made me obliged to accomplish it. Ironically, I've reached my dad's "approved age of getting into a relationship" but I know that is not what God wants me to get into right now. It's unlike the time when I first got into a relationship, where I rejected what all mentors advised me and continued on my foolish ways. I've always followed where my feelings led me to, but now it's gonna be different! I'm making this decision (okay la, actually not a very very tough decision) with obedience. It is a time for my transformation and molding of spiritual character. There are so many things I want to achieve this year, and many serving areas I'm currently exploring. If I put myself into a relationship, I would have less time for God, with God. And now is not the right time to be distant from Him. I guess along the way, many people will question my decision and rationale for doing so. I can only pray for wisdom from the Lord about my answer, and humbly explain the importance of being single right now (which is embedded in the verse 1 Cor 7:32).

I do sound optimistic but in fact I think I'm quite apprehensive of whatever's coming my way in 1.2. There's A LOT of commitments, and I'm worried about my duties as a student. Perhaps this will be the excruciating time where God molds and shapes me, throws me into the lion's den and test my faith, etc. But my mentor reminded me that this may just be the consequences of the decisions I made for the last few months. Which kinda pains me, because I feel like I'm going through a series of punishment.. Nevertheless, she also encouraged me that I can be (more or less) assured that I'll never make the same mistakes again! Now I've identified my priorities in life, I am convicted to make the right decisions from now on!


Wenhao: So wanna go Funan together?
Cong: You know why we don't want to go? Because got YOU.
(everyone LOLOLOL)
Sam: It's true, Funan has 'U'.

oh god I love my friends.