Independent girl

The past week marks my first travel alone. 

To be honest, I was very anxious the week prior to the trip. It was a mixed bag of emotions. I was scared, anxious, skeptical, yet excited of what is to come. I spent nights laying on my bed navigating New York in my mind, preempting the scenarios and even possible accidents. I constantly worry about my ability to drag a luggage and two bag packs.

I left Gage on a windy Sunday evening, bid goodbye to my only roommate who was home, and took a public bus down to the airport. My heart was pounding; I never felt like this even sitting for a paper. 

The hardest part of the trip was carrying my luggage. It was tough. Before checking in to my airbnb in NYC, I walked around several streets to find myself a decent cafe to sit. It was horrible. The neighbourhood was rather ‘rabak’ and it isn’t somewhere you would consider safe, visually. Moving from New York to DC was less challenging, though equally heart-pounding. I kept praying for safety, that my Uber would transport me properly and my bus wouldn’t crash. 

Luggage aside, I fully understood the perks of travelling alone. I could really do what I wished. I could also go wherever I liked, for periods of time that were comfortable to me. I remember sitting in a Catholic church to rest for almost 45 minutes, something that would be considered a ‘waste of time’ if I was with my friends. I could stay in museums for as long as I wished. Travelling alone wasn’t lonely. It became satisfying. Because you get to look back and say, ‘hey, I did this alone and I survived’. It also gives you the right to define yourself without looking to your friends. It gives you some sort of ‘free will’. 

After this whole trip, I guess I could officially be labeled as an independent girl. Or am I? My past week (or my entire exchange) has taught me about myself more than I have imagined. I am in fact, a pretty weak and emotional being. While paying for my Broadway tickets, one of my 100 dollar bill flew with the wind and slotted itself down the drain. I was.. speechless. I just went ‘omg, omg, omg’ with my eyes wide open while I continued to pay for my ticket. I couldn’t believe it. The wind. I spoke to a guard afterward, hoping he would provide a way to retrieve my bill. He said what’s gone is gone. I started to tear, sob, and cried. I couldn’t control it. I was this girl, standing in the middle of the crowd in Times Square, speaking to a guard and crying. My heart was entirely broken even as I thanked him and walked away. At that moment I wanted WiFi badly (lol..) so I could tell someone, anyone. I walked 4 blocks crying and wishing I could turn back time. It was then when I realised I wasn’t as strong as I thought, or as I wanted to. I broke down. At something perhaps not that worthy. It wasn’t like a life-threatening moment. Besides, I had my credit card so it wasn’t that bad. Yet the feeling of sadness engulfed me. 

Another face palm moment includes being cheated of 20 bucks. I was trying to take the Metro in DC when a man approached me trying to help. I followed his instructions, inserted a $20 bill in the machine. In the meantime, he distracted me with his fake instructions (touch the screen and wait), while he happily took the ejected $20 bill. The machine didn’t accept 20s! It took me a minute to realise I was cheated. Damn it. Felt so dumb (and heartbroken!) at that moment.

Well to be fair, an independent girl doesn’t mean she has to be happy all the time. It doesn’t mean she has to void her feelings of unpleasantness. Maybe independence doesn’t mean strong. 

To an end

For memory's sake, I have decided to review my goals set in July for my exchange. I am proud to announce that I have accomplished at least 70% of them! Which is a feat!

To refresh our memory, these goals are:

1. Attend church and fellowship. 
2. Listen to online sermons when necessary. 
3. pray for the people I encounter, or even strangers I have bumped into. 
4. Read up on Canada's history! 
5. Hike! 
6. Have alone time.
7. Keep in touch with my family frequently. 
8. Reaaaaaaaad. 

I am so proud of myself. I fulfilled these goals even without thinking! And of course, I've acquired many more skills and habits that I would carry on for life.

1. Attend church and fellowship. 
I did attend church!! I still remember being really excited and happy stepping into Tenth Church the first Sunday (my second day) in Vancouver. For the first time, I felt that going to church is of my own choice, and a commitment I made to God. Not saying that I felt differently in Singapore, just that it has always been convenient to attend. Tenth had a full worship team, including contemporary drums and e guitars. Though their worship style is largely emerging-contemporary, the congregation is still traditional. No clapping, no raising of hands. I had to get use to that for a little while. Other than that, I absolutely loved their sermon series. I also love the fact that it was in English, haha.


2. Listen to online sermons when necessary. 
Hmmm I confess, I didn't do this. Initially I thought I could keep up with 'Ask Pastor John' but I didn't. On the weeks when I was away from Vancouver, I just didn't attend any service. Granted, I did QT everyday but I know that's not an excuse.

3. Pray for the people I encounter, or even strangers I have bumped into. 
Oops another one, nope! Well I did for a few people but it can be counted with a single hand. Oddly enough, Vancouver's poverty is more visible, even in the streets of downtown. There were so many people in need of help. Granted, some were just asking for weed. But a trip down Vancouver's Chinatown reveals that poverty exists in the city. Poverty is an ineradicable phenomenon. It's just that Singapore conceals it well.

4. Read up on Canada's history! 
I did not specifically Wiki'ed Canada's history, but I learnt some of it from classes and museums. First Nations, Chinese and British immigrants. Prostitution laws.

5. Hike! 
YES. Mayne Island, Garibaldi, Grouse Grind. And many other short 'walks'. Amazing I must say.

6. Have alone time.
Oh, a lot man. I still remember asking Shermaine and Sandra to go home first while I continue to explore Granville Island. Visited Stanley Park and the museum in these few days before I leave. More alone time to come in NY + DC.

7. Keep in touch with my family frequently. 
What counts as frequent? To date I've only skyped both my parents twice. Skyped my mum about 5 times. My brother doesn't care.

8. Reaaaaaaaad. 
The story goes: Brought Burmese Days to read, only finish 3 chapters. Bought a second hand "The Buried Giant" hardcover and made it halfway. Bought 2 Christian literature and managed to finish. Bought a Kindle during Black Friday and I am reading it well.


9. COOK
One of the greatest accomplishment this exchange. I could not cook before this. My dad would usually settle our meals and that leaves me no room to even try. Even if I had the chance, I would settle for instant noodles, dumplings and eggs. I had no choice but to cook here. Eating out costs about 7-10 bucks, and I simply don't have that kind of money. So I cook. I start small. Rice, veg, meat, potatoes. The first meal I cooked was chicken breast seasoned with just pepper and salt. I remember it being so delicious (or just cos I cooked it) but now as I recall, it must have sucked. I slowly turned ambitious and cooked spaghetti, salmon, and I'm gonna make scallops later. My best dish would be stir fried potatoes with variation - meat, cheese, tomatoes, you name it.

10. GYM
I'm the exchange miracle. I lost weight. I've never been so light/skinny for soooo many years. I exercise close to 2 times a week. 3 miles on the threadmill, some core exercises and weights. For this I am really proud of my discipline. 

11. NAVIGATION
I'm the map I'm the map I'm the map! I couldn't have done it without Google Maps. But really, sometimes technology is just unreliable and you gotta use your senses and intuition to get somewhere. Throughout the trip I did most of the navigation for my group and I didn't know I had it in me. I thought my sense of direction was okay, but actually it's pretty good for a girl. haha. Well I'm not perfect so there were times we got really lost, such as Muir Woods and Twin Peaks in San Francisco. Those were the two times that were laughable yet memorable.

12. CHINESE
I spoke way more Chinese than I do in Singapore. When you're surrounded with angmohs or CBCs (Canadian-Born-Chinese) it's pretty easy to speak a language they don't understand. As a result it became a habit even without strangers around. I guess I'll be conversing in Chinese with these friends once I'm back in school out of habit.


Some people have started asking me if I have accomplished whatever I set out to do during my exchange. And I would dare say I did. I'm proud of my journey, even with the ups and downs. I have so much to say but too little words I can use.

As I'm about to leave tmr, I thank God for all his grace, mercy, and his wonder shown to me for the past 4 months. I pray I'll stay safe, joyful, and independent as I embark on my next journey alone. I am excited yet very anxious/scared at the same time. 10 days till I'm home.