The meaning of life

In my first year of university, my professor gave us the option to write a personal essay, or to answer 10 questions based on the textbook. I, obviously chose the latter. I did not have the confidence, nor the capacity to answer his greatest question.

“What is the meaning of life?”

For the past few months, I found myself straddled along the corridors of school, sometimes trying to find study spaces, sometimes just… pondering about life. I’ve came to a point where I seriously question the meaning of my life. My P.C. answer to my own question would be “fulfilling God’s will”, but I think it’s much more than that. Mere bible answers do not satisfy me, especially what I’m facing right now is a mismatch of a perfect reality.

I have spent countless of times studying and having lunches at school canteens by myself. I’m perfectly fine with doing things alone, but the struggle is when I see people who aren’t alone. With friends, with boyfriends, with girlfriends. (Heck, even some people who eat alone looks less miserable than I do.)

And then I try to slot myself in a community which I can identify with. I participate, I be active, and then I realise, I.don’t.fit. It feels more like I’m on the outside when I became more on the inside. But when I'm in a group setting, I almost always want to curl up in my bed alone. I’m tired of making friends and opening up.

The idea of loneliness isn’t new to me, but it becomes very salient at this point in my life. I don’t need a large group of friends, I just need close ones. I don’t need grades to validate me, I just need to do my best. I don’t need 24/7 company, I just need some. It’s especially crippling because I’m at a point where I question my direction in life. Where am I gonna go after graduation? What am I gonna do? How am I gonna contribute to society? What is my purpose in life?

I’ve got more time to think about these uncertainties when I’m alone, which makes me especially afraid. Back in those days where I had company, eating alone was somehow an enjoyment. 

I still do not have any answer to the greatest question; an answer that can sustain me in my day-to-day living. I’m definitely aware of the whole big-picture thing, but I need more than that. All I can pray is for God to restore me, for God to give something new in my life, to open my eyes and let me focus on what’s eternal. To remember the works of the ultimate life-giver. If there was no meaning to this, then there’s no meaning to the cross.

But I learn new things.

1. friendship is transient
2. you fight your own battles
3. maybe I’m being prepared to do greater things in future which requires me to be alone most of the time

Lastly, if you’re my friend, please do not be offended by this piece of reflection, because I really do treasure you, and I appreciate your presence, your welcome, your effort to be inclusive. Like I said, I have to fight my own battles.

P.S. While this piece was on draft, I may have discovered that I build walls around people (?) unknowingly. Not sure how true this is.