blues

After so long I'm still back at square one.

Every week it's an attack on my heart. I thought I got it done and over with but every damn thing just points me back to my memories. Familiar walkways, places, things. Gosh.

Only you yourself will understand your pain. No one else can. Especially at this age where experiences differ between individuals. Adolescent problems usually include friendship or parent-child relationship. Somehow these are common things that people go through. No one can understand what I'm going through now because it just isn't simple. And also, you are expected to be able to deal with it on your own. Everyone got their own issues to settle, much less settle yours.

The worse part is not being able to show what I'm feeling deep down inside. Smiling and laughing is my best defence. I am tricking myself into thinking that everything is fine. I am happy. No one likes to be around someone who's gloomy, so I try my best to be joyful around my friends. Honestly, being around friends helps with my sorrow but I slump back deeper once I'm alone.

I am impatient. I want things to be ok once sunrise. It doesn't help when God places me in a situation where I have to face my pain every.single.week. I kept questioning God about that. Maybe he knows I'm avoiding it this whole time. Maybe this way I'll be in a better condition once over. Whatever the reason, I constantly replay God's promises in my head just to get by a little. There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. You make all things work together for our good. I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.

A baby step is still a step. One day I'll get to the end of the tunnel, although with pain and tears. But I will get there.

Priscilla.


P.S. Feeling the same pain exactly 2 years ago. Has it been that long?