Jamie

Recently, I am hooked on Nicholas Sparks' novels. The funny thing is, I used to 'despise' romance, because they usually paint a very unattainable image of love, something so blissful but yet unreal, at least to me. They always have happy endings and it didn't seem like it would happen in reality.

I guess age made the difference. I start to appreciate the little acts of love between the protagonists. Well, I may not have read widely enough to judge romance novels, but Sparks really surprised me. He has a way of pricking that simple, innocent love that I have deep in my heart. I learnt a lot about what it meant to love especially after reading A Walk to Remember. This is one fiction that made me shed bucket-loads of tears. Spoilers ahead; you have been warned.

Jamie Sullivan. My new role model. She is simple, leads a simple life, and is easily contented. At first glance, she might seem unrealistic, especially in the 21st century. But I choose to believe that Jamies exist somewhere in the world. She is not perfect; she had her doubts and was sometimes afraid. But it was her innocence that made her beautiful. Don't get me wrong, this innocence has nothing to do with ignorance. This innocence is simply accepting what God's plan is, trying to do her best on what is right, and believing that everyone has a little kindness in them. I want to be like her too.

Jamie showed me what it means to love one another. Devout Christians are usually labelled as hypocrites as they tend to be devout on the surface while judging others for not obeying God's commands. It's like the Pharisees you know, and I'm sometimes guilty of that. But Jamie, on the other hand, show no signs of judgmental behavior. (Okay, you can say that since the novel was written in 3rd person, I would never know what Jamie really felt.) She did not try to educate Landon about Bible teachings, never forced Landon to know this and that about God, but her character, actions and behavior revealed what it means to love others with God's heart. One of the part that touched me was Landon's realization of Jamie's forgiving love. Towards the end of Jamie's journey, her friends came to apologize for their rowdy and insensitive behavior, and instead of resenting them, Jamie held them in her embrace, described in the book as "a gesture of forgiveness". I think one of the part that really moved me is the witness of Landon's transition as a boy, to a mature, loving man. Jamie's simple love for everything under God's creation transformed him, and he was able to forgive and love the things he used to hate i.e. his dad.

The novel has several quotes from the Bible, and I enjoyed them. One of which is from Corinthians, something that I have been trying to learn and understand.

Love is patient, love is kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.

Jamie, despite being fictional, gave me a glimpse of how it is like to love with God's heart. The fact that she was the Reverend's daughter made it even more inspiring. I'm really bad with words and I cannot pen down the exact thoughts I craft in my head. But I'm really so inspired by this novel. In one way or another, I was wondering if I would ever influence someone so much like what Jamie did to Landon. I hope with God's power that I may one day do so.

Anyway, I caught the movie yesterday and I have to say I was so disappointed. The film omitted out many parts that I taught was crucial to its beauty, and they painted Jamie in a very 'American', college-kids way. But well, I still cried like mad with tissues and dustbin by my side. I remembered choking and feeling so uncomfortable, like there was despair stuck at my chest. HAHA I'm such an emotional animal. But omg, the movie was so bad because it felt as if Landon fell in love after seeing how beautiful (physically) she was. Mehh. I don't like.

Neon

No meaning to the title haha. It's just that the song is stuck in my head for now.

It has been an amazing 2 weeks for me, especially with the semester ending! I thank God for a rather chill Week 13 and now in the middle of Week 14, I thank God that I'm not burned out yet (unlike last sem -.-)

Bff believed that books have an interesting way of keeping you away from it before the right time. And when you do pick it up, it does seem to speak to you at the right time, the right moment. Well I guess there's some truth to that. I picked up Purpose Driven Life again, despite reading it 7 years ago. It's one of the first few books that I did during my growing years in teens and picking it up again was kinda weird, since I should have outgrew its content. But, everything was just so apt. I came to the chapter about testing and temptation during the toughest period this year, and it pulled me through, and I was damn sure that God purposely put me through this to mold my character. I came to the chapter about serving when I was struggling with my area of service and pride. In retrospect, everything that happened this year was for a reason, and I believe that it is to build God's Kingdom. It might be unclear to me now, but I guess obedience before understanding!

I remembered at the start of the year, I made this 'bold' prayer: God, help me to rely on your grace in this situation. I know your strength can shine through my weakness. So Lord, bring it on. Unleash your power in my life. Please use my pain for your glory.

God wasn't joking. After I made this prayer, people started to 'warn' me. I was scared, but I knew the growth it brings will be worth it.

Amusingly, I thought the pain that I encountered would be the decision to run for exco. I was really struggling at the start, but somehow, I got used to it and I enjoy doing my job. It didn't feel like a chore anymore. I remembered wondering "wait what, that's it? God, so this struggle is gone so easily?" Nah. Looks like that was just level 0.5

Level 1 was was the real deal. I've never felt so upset in my life before, I'm sure. Not even my breakup 4 years ago? It.was.really.painful. And now I'm over the most painful stage, I looked back and realised I asked for it. Sort of. And I thank God that his strength really shone through my weaknesses. I am sucker for emotions. I give in. But God gave me enough strength to get pass it. Yay!

And so, I am currently now anticipating level 2. Idk what it will be, but this means that I have to be on guard and I have to keep close to God. Because if I don't, I might just topple again. Oh, and I really, really, really hope it's nothing about Sze min and I, because earlier on in the year someone warned us that the devil was trying to snatch away this special friendship with share. NO WAY MAN. But I guess I can see it in another way - God is using our friendship for His kingdom, and I'm glad that he is.

Yeah, now I dare to tell God to BRING IT ON. Use my pain for Your Glory, because I want to build your Kingdom. Test me, tempt me. Because I know that whatever comes, you'll definitely provide a way out for me, and by then, I'll receive the crown of life (:

New dawn new day new life

Let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God - what is good and is pleasing to him and is perfect.

Romans 12:2

Amen.

I'll never be able to know the will of God, but I want Him to "give me a new heart and put a new spirit in me" (Ezekiel 36:26). I forwarded the verse to my girls and even though they may not feel so strongly about verses, my prayer is that they will be constantly renewed by God to face the challenges of their world. I know that they are extremely concerned with school results (even though they're getting A1s omg), but I really hope that they may learn to see things beyond that.

 I realised I haven't been spending much time with my girls and it's time to do so.. People have been affirming my leadership but I feel I didn't do enough. I'm pretty upset. Ironically, I'm not good at this but I really want to do this. I guess God makes the weak strong!


LET GO LET GOD!

Looks like...

I'm not okay. I thought I was! Maybe not.

Been spamming a lot of John Mayer for the last few days for no particular reason. It kinda made me feel better? And being around with people helps too.

But sigh pie it's not that easy. Who said it was? I can only constantly repeat Psalms 121 for strength. I will always look up when I'm down :')

Anyway, real tired today. Been cramming LOADS of information and doing work NON STOP from morning till evening. Hell week coming up yo.

I hope you're doing well :x

very much wanted to head home and just lie on my bed, but I have to fulfill my responsibilities here in school..

Why is this so hard? It feels like a break up even though it wasn't a relationship to begin with. 

I kept replaying scenes in my head and somehow there is a tinge of regret. I can't believe these moments are gone. 

I know you're reading this but idc. It's really damn painful for me right now and you are the only person that understands this pain (ironic yeah)

But we'll have to face this alone. 

I can only pray that God's comfort would be sufficient for us. I don't know how long this process will take but I can only hope that it doesn't erode my faith towards relationships. I'm tired.

God, why is it so hard to be happy

Maybe it's my turn to suffer. I already have an answer but I should be patient. I would have loved to talk about it ASAP but I guess I would have to delay gratification and be "punished" for what I've caused.


Sara Bareilles - I choose you

Let the bough break, let it come down crashing
Let the sun fade out to a dark sky
I can't say I'd even notice it was absent
Cause I could live by the light in your eyes

I'll unfold before you
Would have strung together
The very first words
Of a lifelong love letter

Tell the world that we finally got it all right
I choose you
I will become yours and you will become mine
I choose you
I choose you
(Yeah)

There was a time when I would have believed them
If they told me that you could not come true
Just love's illusion
But then you found me and everything changed
And I believe in something again

My whole heart
Will be yours forever
This is a beautiful start
To a lifelong love letter

Tell the world that we finally got it all right
I choose you
I will become yours and you will become mine
I choose you
I choose you

We are not perfect
We'll learn from our mistakes
And as long as it takes
I will prove my love to you

I am not scared of the elements
I am underprepared, but I am willing
And even better
I get to be the other half of you

Tell the world that we finally got it all right
I choose you
I will become yours and you will become mine
I choose you
I choose you

Recess

This is the first time I stayed at home for the whole day since sem started! *Throws confetti!

I have work to do, but sometimes it's good to have a 'heck it' attitude. Humans need rest.

So I'm just glad that I spent today reading books, dancing, sleeping, watching movies. Recess should be like this; work hard, play hard. I might have this underlying feeling that I'm gonna lose out, but this means I don't trust God enough. I'm sure He delights in my rest (:

GOOD TIMES 55555

(I'm always looking through old photos when I'm in a good mood)